ShiloThin's Xanga

Waiting...story of my life ( IMPLANTS=DENTAL IMPLANTS)

Mon, 14 Sep 2009 17:54:25 GMT

Well I have to wait for the implants/know if I can get them. My dad found a University that will do what I need half price and just as good. But the waiting list is 3 months minimum. I asked/told the lady my story. She said my bone will probably be strong enough since I have youth on my side....Just because I am 26, doesn't mean my years of malnutrition makes me young. Some 40 year olds are healthier than me. But beggars can't be choosers. My parents are paying. So I must wait, pray my bone is strong enough.

Yesterday I got so sick, idk y. I have a minor cold. But I was sweating bullets, had my fans on, and window open. I was dry heaving. I didn't want to purge the vomit cos it would be basically be acid n pills. I couldn't even drink water or apple juice. So I was in my tank top and undies, it felt good. But every time I looked and saw my massive thigh's/ass I got mad/sad. So I went downstairs looked in the big mirror, felt sick HUGE!!! But I knew I had to have at least bread so if I puke it won't hurt as much. My bro came home from the Marilyn Manson concert, he didn't bring me a shirt, but he had Cherry coloa. Only in the States it is, but his friends dad gave him 4 cans. I drank that with bread n felt better. Than I layed down, and the craving from my meds came in. I made myself eggs, tomattoes n bread. FAT ME!!! Finally fell asleep for a bit. I woke up freezing. It must be the detoxing of my anxiety meds. I was so dizzy. My head hurts atm. Took 2 tylenols...sigh. Sweating too. I want to work out but the heat, well I will but still. I have so much shit to deal with, idk where to start, where to end.

Sorry if some parts sound weird my bro was talking as I typed this.

What 2 wear? Vote

Fri, 11 Sep 2009 23:49:17 GMT

Okay I have 3 outfit. I could have put 20 together, but I am too sweaty and lazy. So I put 3 meh ones. Vote for one u like best. Keep in mind I took the pics myself will wear make up n nail polish:)

Pics of outfit one:

Pics of outfit 2:

^lmao I look like a huge ass dyke. Rofl I can't believe how my hair went n face. Too funny!!!^

Pics of outfit 3:

My face is nasty I will brush hair n make up.

Yay in a way.

Fri, 11 Sep 2009 20:13:03 GMT

Well Scott kinda asked me out:D This is what he wrote via msn..." well you already know that im not looking for a imediat girl friend, but i find you very interesting & HOT!!, so i would like to go a little slower. and ask you if you would like to go on a date saturday night? we could see a movie or go bowling ect... ill leave the choice up to you, if you say yes, plz say yes:) "

I said yes! Idk what to wear. I mean he likes me, I have no teeth, broken nose, and always sees me in pjs, messy, or sweats. Yet he likes being with me and I like being with him. So I wrote:

"yes
i want the slow thing too hun, I dont want to be a "couple" asap, just wanted to know if we are heading that way or just friends
ttyl i hope
fyi i will get hotter, cos i will have teeth n a straight nose and be a better person through therapy."

He knows all my disorders too. So wow. I hope I don't fuck this up.

Here is a pic of me I found, this is my own thinspo b/c it is me and I know I can achieve it:)

God I miss that thin. I should've never took the pills!!!

I think I'm throwing in the towel!

Thu, 10 Sep 2009 00:37:06 GMT

OK I went to see the denture ppl. Very nice and smart. But it turns out they need to put "nails" in my lower mouth bone. No biggie. The surgery is 2 hours. But I have to wait til Tuesday for x-rays to see if my bone is even there. The doctor felt it and was saddened. b/c of malnutrition, can't eat well w/o teeth, and ana, and waiting for this I have a 25% chance to be able to get it. A 91 year old woman got it, if I am rejected, I will cry a river n drown in it. U know what it is like drinking slurry's of meat, veggies, b/c steaming them kills nutrients? Like puke, we all know what puke taste like. I want to bite into a vegge again. I am 26 dammit!!!

I feel so bad, if I do make it, it will cost up to $8,000 for the whole deal. My family we all love each other. We, the 4 of us, NEED each other we know no one else irl, but we are all slowly killing each other. ALL suffer from depression n sever mental illnesses. I see no futre, no hope. I cried a bit today. I asked if we could comitte suicide as a team. NO! I can't leave them alone. But my dad is the one making it worse. Hethinks he is OK, but he is bi polar and mad at times. e may mean well but drives my bro, mom and I down. And my mom has given up on life. Now I have and my bro. So much to explain, I can't. I know things no child should know about their dad/mom etc. My mom had no friends, so I was her ear. I feel sick. I hate what I have become. The food I eat is crappy n fattening, only stuff I can gum id fat junk food. I hate V8, I drink 100% juices, milk, and eat all the fruit I can.

WTF is the point?!

The case of the EX

Tue, 08 Sep 2009 23:00:04 GMT

Idk anymore. During my worst time when I was in the psychiatric ward he said I deserved this. I was meant to be alone and have no friends. That he wouldn't visit me. The only relationship we could ever have is him Master me slave. I said no. I cried all I needed was soap...u think a ward would have it there, it is some what like a hospitable. But the ward is a long scary story. I finally hung up on him when he agreed that I was a manipulative bitch who gets w/e I want. If that were true I'd have friends, not be ill, and my family and him would visist me daily. Oh when my mom brought soap and shampoo I was so happy. Sounds like prison huh?

After I was discharged he called my home a week later. I wasn't home, and he ALWAYS blocks his number, but not this time. I ignored it. So I got today this email and I replied. Tell me idk any feedback is nice....

"Hey,

Its Josh. I suspect you may have blocked my email (and I know i've done worse) so here I am...Again.

Nina I don't know what to tell you. If I could find what I was looking for anywhere else odds are I would have, but in the end it still comes back to you. I can't explain why, it just does.

Now, if you have moved on and have found a happier life I am very happy for you, and if it doesnt include me then so beit. But if your still thinking of me, know that I am still thinking of you. To be honest, there are a lot of things I miss about you, and a lot that I don't. What I do know is that I wasnt there for you, I wanted to be but I just couldnt do it. And because of that i've realized that life with you is hard, but life without you is harder.

Please give me a call or email me back.

Josh"

I put, in a depreseed state...

"What I want to say and have to say is like an essay. I really doubt u miss me. Idk anymore. I have so much to say, but no one willing to listen."

I wish I didn't reply. Or at least added what I wanted to say...Ahhhh!!!!

Doing better.

Mon, 07 Sep 2009 17:50:23 GMT

Yesterday I ate only a few blue berries, I never count my liquids, so I think I better increase slightly my food intake with some liquid stuff, like Dan active, or healthy meals. I didn't eat at all at nigh and did 30mins of work out on my Wii Fit. I love it! It calculates everything. But due to my back,hip bone/arms slight dislocating I suck on my right side I think of Yoga. lol, oh well. My balance is off there...Or is it my left? Idk. I weighed myself this morning. Went from 122lbs from a few days ago to 118.6lbs... It's a start.

I want to get all dolled up and snap few pictures for my facebook, but I have no motivation there. I will put on make up, nice outfit changes-maybe, and who will take my photo? Me I guess...

Be safe everyone:)

NEED HELP!!!

Sun, 06 Sep 2009 19:43:01 GMT

I don't eat during the day. Idk y, I am not hungry or the hunger pains I ignore cos I don't feel like eating. So last night I binged on a lean cuisine and Triple chocolate satin cake. I don't work out. I wanna scream. If I purge, I may die at that scene. Plus the meds for my stomach will come up, plus so loud. I can't walk in my neighborhood too many shootings now, yes killings, gang wars are out of control. I just was doing leg lifts at night a bit cooler, but my hip bone is slightley sislocated and no money for my chiroprator, so I take Tylenol or Tyleonl #3s to numb the pain. But it is affecting my back arms and legs that was smashed in the car wreck. So I stopped. Any motivation for work outs I can do in doors? I use to be so determined and now I can't do athing. Might be my depression, I just need a push.

If it's not ed it's another disorder

Sat, 05 Sep 2009 23:04:26 GMT

On the 31st I got Wii fit as a present. I was so happy. I have been wanting it or DDR for so long. But my room is not the way I like it, hence my OCD. So I cannot allow myself to play it until my room is spotless to my standards. My standards are insane! I wish I could just toss things in the boxes and hide away. But I need things to be in either alphabetical order or resonal ways I choose. Like amm too small (4 now clothes in this box, all big clothes in this box, all objects of electrical in this box, workout stuff here, art here, and so forth. It is impossible to fit my niceskinnyclothes in one box, or the ones I want to giveaway/toys/objects. I have been cleaning since b4 the 31srt and still someinprovement but not to my liking. I think I must restart. :'(

I just want it clean organized and I want to play my Wii Fit....Help!!!

YES!!!!

ED Vs Serial killers/IDK

Sat, 05 Sep 2009 03:22:30 GMT

Yea sounds messed up. But I was thinking about it for a bit. We ed victims and serial killers have some things in common. Though we hurt ourselves. I mean most serial killers grew up in horrid homes, but so have many ed victims. Now not everyone who has grown up in a unstable environment do not become serial killers or suffer from ed. I know some ppl who grew up in such a horrid life, I am surprised they are not, but happy. Now both ed victims and serial killers are intelligent. Perfectionism is a must on both our half's. Also some are sicker than other's. Some have skitzopheria, which gets them caught sooner b/c they lose it and want this to be right, perfect and don't care if they get caught. While some can go for 20 years w/o getting caught right? Sorta reminds me of bulimia and anorexia. I mean bulimics go on longer w/o notice which saddens me. I feel for u girls. I am more anorexic, I have been toldfinally if I purge anymore I am basically playing Russian Roulette. I don't wanna die purging. So I binge and starve it off. I haven't purged for over 3 months. Now I am losing my thought. Idk I think I will stop 4 now with my theory. Though I hate myself heaps! Since that night for those who remember where I ended up in the ER for the panick attack that lasted over 24hrs, I have been eating at night. I have no apetite during the day. Even the hunger pains, idw eat. So b4 bed I usually eat 2 pogo stcks with tons of ketchup. And sometimes a cheese sandwich. How can I curve this? I ate today at Mcdonalds, a big mac, fries and Iced tea. I am still full. I wont eat tonight. Just fruit here n there. My sleeping pills make me hungry. So idk if I am binging, but I am not losing weight. I am 122lbs....I need to organize and finally clean my room. Putting away my small clothes n size 0 is killing me. I won't even buy new clothes for this body I have. It is flabby n gross. My mom bought me Wii Fit.I can't wait to use it but my OCD makes it that my room has to be spotless. I need some help. Thispo is not for me. I NEVER have tiny thighs they are always huge. Idk how girls get those imaculate thighs. Idk any advice or encouragemnet? Or feedback on my half ass theory?

Me nowadays..... I will take better ones, but not too revealing b/c I hate my new weight....:'(

ED awareness

Thu, 03 Sep 2009 18:51:53 GMT

This MAY be triggering for some, but I think they did an amazing job on kinda summing up an ed. Here are two scary videos...
Yes we have all seen Courage by Superchick, but this one is anti ana...Also I can't find atm the other freaky video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rhvhIzIRuSQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dL7WPylAd5E

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n9eDpqPLz_A

Found it, so watch all 3...Really opened up my eyes. Hard to explain cos Just watch them...Especial the one called "Ana" They are all good/sad powerful, but that one it;s like they spied on me...