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ShiloThin
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Name: Call me Baby
Gender: Female
Interests: Serial killers, dance, clothes, music, video games, the human mind, acting, tattoos, piercings, reading etc
Message: message me
Member Since:
5/15/2009
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| Well I have to wait for the implants/know if I can get them. My dad found a University that will do what I need half price and just as good. But the waiting list is 3 months minimum. I asked/told the lady my story. She said my bone will probably be strong enough since I have youth on my side....Just because I am 26, doesn't mean my years of malnutrition makes me young. Some 40 year olds are healthier than me. But beggars can't be choosers. My parents are paying. So I must wait, pray my bone is strong enough.
Yesterday I got so sick, idk y. I have a minor cold. But I was sweating bullets, had my fans on, and window open. I was dry heaving. I didn't want to purge the vomit cos it would be basically be acid n pills. I couldn't even drink water or apple juice. So I was in my tank top and undies, it felt good. But every time I looked and saw my massive thigh's/ass I got mad/sad. So I went downstairs looked in the big mirror, felt sick HUGE!!! But I knew I had to have at least bread so if I puke it won't hurt as much. My bro came home from the Marilyn Manson concert, he didn't bring me a shirt, but he had Cherry coloa. Only in the States it is, but his friends dad gave him 4 cans. I drank that with bread n felt better. Than I layed down, and the craving from my meds came in. I made myself eggs, tomattoes n bread. FAT ME!!! Finally fell asleep for a bit. I woke up freezing. It must be the detoxing of my anxiety meds. I was so dizzy. My head hurts atm. Took 2 tylenols...sigh. Sweating too. I want to work out but the heat, well I will but still. I have so much shit to deal with, idk where to start, where to end.
Sorry if some parts sound weird my bro was talking as I typed this.
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| Well Scott kinda asked me out:D This is what he wrote via msn..." well you already know that im not looking for a imediat girl friend, but i find you very interesting & HOT!!, so i would like to go a little slower. and ask you if you would like to go on a date saturday night? we could see a movie or go bowling ect... ill leave the choice up to you, if you say yes, plz say yes:) "
I said yes! Idk what to wear. I mean he likes me, I have no teeth, broken nose, and always sees me in pjs, messy, or sweats. Yet he likes being with me and I like being with him. So I wrote:
"yes
i want the slow thing too hun, I dont want to be a "couple" asap, just wanted to know if we are heading that way or just friends
ttyl i hope
fyi i will get hotter, cos i will have teeth n a straight nose and be a better person through therapy."
He knows all my disorders too. So wow. I hope I don't fuck this up.
Here is a pic of me I found, this is my own thinspo b/c it is me and I know I can achieve it:)
God I miss that thin. I should've never took the pills!!!
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| OK I went to see the denture ppl. Very nice and smart. But it turns out they need to put "nails" in my lower mouth bone. No biggie. The surgery is 2 hours. But I have to wait til Tuesday for x-rays to see if my bone is even there. The doctor felt it and was saddened. b/c of malnutrition, can't eat well w/o teeth, and ana, and waiting for this I have a 25% chance to be able to get it. A 91 year old woman got it, if I am rejected, I will cry a river n drown in it. U know what it is like drinking slurry's of meat, veggies, b/c steaming them kills nutrients? Like puke, we all know what puke taste like. I want to bite into a vegge again. I am 26 dammit!!!
I feel so bad, if I do make it, it will cost up to $8,000 for the whole deal. My family we all love each other. We, the 4 of us, NEED each other we know no one else irl, but we are all slowly killing each other. ALL suffer from depression n sever mental illnesses. I see no futre, no hope. I cried a bit today. I asked if we could comitte suicide as a team. NO! I can't leave them alone. But my dad is the one making it worse. Hethinks he is OK, but he is bi polar and mad at times. e may mean well but drives my bro, mom and I down. And my mom has given up on life. Now I have and my bro. So much to explain, I can't. I know things no child should know about their dad/mom etc. My mom had no friends, so I was her ear. I feel sick. I hate what I have become. The food I eat is crappy n fattening, only stuff I can gum id fat junk food. I hate V8, I drink 100% juices, milk, and eat all the fruit I can.
WTF is the point?!
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| Idk anymore. During my worst time when I was in the psychiatric ward he said I deserved this. I was meant to be alone and have no friends. That he wouldn't visit me. The only relationship we could ever have is him Master me slave. I said no. I cried all I needed was soap...u think a ward would have it there, it is some what like a hospitable. But the ward is a long scary story. I finally hung up on him when he agreed that I was a manipulative bitch who gets w/e I want. If that were true I'd have friends, not be ill, and my family and him would visist me daily. Oh when my mom brought soap and shampoo I was so happy. Sounds like prison huh?
After I was discharged he called my home a week later. I wasn't home, and he ALWAYS blocks his number, but not this time. I ignored it. So I got today this email and I replied. Tell me idk any feedback is nice....
"Hey, Its Josh. I suspect you may have blocked my email (and I know i've done worse) so here I am...Again. Nina I don't know what to tell you. If I could find what I was looking for anywhere else odds are I would have, but in the end it still comes back to you. I can't explain why, it just does. Now, if you have moved on and have found a happier life I am very happy for you, and if it doesnt include me then so beit. But if your still thinking of me, know that I am still thinking of you. To be honest, there are a lot of things I miss about you, and a lot that I don't. What I do know is that I wasnt there for you, I wanted to be but I just couldnt do it. And because of that i've realized that life with you is hard, but life without you is harder. Please give me a call or email me back. Josh"
I put, in a depreseed state...
"What I want to say and have to say is like an essay. I really doubt u miss me. Idk anymore. I have so much to say, but no one willing to listen."
I wish I didn't reply. Or at least added what I wanted to say...Ahhhh!!!!
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